Walking Conventions

I'm really fucking fed up with all these people who don't seem to know how to walk in public, so I've decided to outline a few basic rules of crowd walking etiquette.

1) When walking in a hall, on a sidewalk, or generally anywhere in public when there are two opposite directions of traffic, WALK ON THE FUCKING RIGHT SIDE, NOT THE LEFT! This would eliminate so much confusion and these awkward dodge movements when you realize you're headed straight towards a 300 lb burly goat who is definitely not moving out of the way. We don't live in fucking Britain, so follow the right-side rule. Walking is like driving, why cause confusion for nothing.

2) When walking down a hall and you encounter a corner, you should only hug the corner if it's a right-side turn, and you're therefore walking on the right. I don't know how many fucking times I've turned a corner and some genius is walking on the wrong side and I end up bumping face-first into some lady with a mole the size of my ass on her forehead.

3) If you're walking and talking with a friend or group of friends, have the courtesy to NOT block the whole goddamn sidewalk when you're walking. I don't have to dodge you just because you think you own the place, and I'm not walking off the sidewalk. Therefore, from now on, I will be ramming straight into your gut if you do this.

4) There are some people who are in a hurry, or have a purpose in life, and choose to walk faster than those who don't. If you're walking slowly (and it's not fucking hard to notice...), don't walk dead center in the middle of the sidewalk. Even worse, don't walk in oblique lines all over the place, shifting from right to left. If I'm walking faster than you, I don't want to have to try and figure out what your next move is going to be, I just want to walk by. If this is a problem, I will be jabbing my elbow in your back and push you aside as I walk by.

Thanks for listening. Walk safe.